Desexualizing the Touch
Experience: A Proactive
Approach
By Cherie
Sohnen-Moe
Sexuality is a
natural part of the
human experience. We are
born as sexual beings
with a need for touch
and intimacy. We require
a healthy environment
that supports our
natural development in
these areas to thrive as
organisms.
By definition, sex,
touch and intimacy are
three distinct behaviors
and experiences. The
fact that they overlap
at times is what creates
confusion.
In the September
issue of Massage
Today, I wrote
about what to do when a
client crosses the line.
The focus of that
article was on the
specific steps to take
when your boundaries are
ignored. This is the
first part of a two-part
series where we explore
the importance of
desexualizing the touch
experience and steps you
can take to help prevent
clients from crossing
your boundaries.
Sexuality and
the Touch Experience
The general public,
clients and
practitioners all share
in the confusion about
how massage therapy and
sexuality are
inter-related. The
intentional misuse of
language (e.g., massage
as a euphemism for
prostitution) has had a
profound impact on the
public's understanding
of massage therapy. The
misuse of words is not
just a semantic problem;
it is a personal and
cultural issue about how
people relate to certain
parts of the body and
human experience.
Unfortunately, we
have been forced to
spend the past three
decades defending our
profession and proving
to the world that
massage therapists are
not prostitutes. One of
the repercussions of
this has been a
dissociation with the
sensual aspect of our
work. Too many people
attempt to ignore the
elephant in the corner.
This denial can lead to
problems. Pretending
that something doesn't
exist is generally
ineffective. Every
client and every
practitioner brings
their sexual nature and
background with them
into the therapeutic
setting. The key
is to create an
environment that
demonstrates
professionalism, sets
healthy boundaries, and
allows sexuality while
desexualizing the touch
experience.
The term desexualize
is best defined by
examining its opposite:
sexualize. In the book,
Behind Closed Doors:
Gender, Sexuality &
Touch in the
Doctor/Patient
Relationship by
Angelica Redleaf, DC,
she defines sexualizing
as: "Making an event,
procedure, conversation,
or experience into
something that is sexual
or could be interpreted
as sexual."
Desexualizing, then,
means ensuring that the
treatment is not in any
way turned into a sexual
experience for either
the massage therapist or
the client. Keep in mind
that while correct
intentions and acting
professionally does not
guarantee the absence of
inappropriate
expressions of sexuality
in treatment sessions,
they can mitigate those
expressions.
Proactive
Steps to Desexualize
Massage
You set the tone for
professionalism by your
marketing materials, how
you answer the
telephone, your personal
appearance, your office
location and ambience,
treatment interactions,
communications, and
documentation. The first
part of this series
covers how to
desexualize your
marketing materials and
to screen telephone
calls--steps to take
before someone becomes
your client.
Marketing
Materials
Marketing materials
(e.g., brochures,
business cards, Web
site, business name,
e-mail address) need to
be professional and
project the desired
image. Use appropriate
language and
terminology. Avoid
phrases like "full-body
massage". Even words
such as "release" can be
taken out of context. Be
sure your photos and
artwork are not
provocative: view
pictures from all angles
because sometimes images
look fine from one
direction, but
suggestive from others.
Ideally, have your
picture taken by a
professional
photographer, but
refrain from using
"glamour" shots.
Business Name
Now let's discuss
your business name. Many
massage therapists use
their personal name as
their company name. This
is a fine option;
although, if you go this
route, I suggest you use
your full name and
include a title. For
instance a business name
that says "Terry Smith,
LMT" sounds much more
professional than
"Massage by Terry." Use
caution if you decide to
have a separate business
identity: avoid anything
gimmicky or that could
have a double meaning.
Also, verify that your
business name doesn't
mean something
derogatory in another
language.
E-mail
Address
Set up a separate
business e-mail account
from your personal
account. Either use your
name, company name, or
the type of work you do
as the first part of
your e-mail address. I
have seen way too many
examples of therapists
with business e-mails
like
rockerchick@web.com
or
angelhands@web.com
.
I'm a rock-and-roll gal
who has a healing touch,
but I wouldn't use
either of the above
examples as my business
e-mail address.
Recently, I discussed
this topic in a
marketing class that I
teach and had people
critique each other's
e-mail addresses. One
woman's e-mail was
healinghands69@web.com
.
As soon as she said it
out loud there was a lot
of snickering in the
room. She didn't get it;
the year 1969 was very
important to her. She
failed to realize how
the number 69 has a
sexual connotation and
that using that e-mail
address for business
could send the wrong
message. Ideally, you
would have a business
Web site and your e-mail
address would reflect
that (e.g.,
terrysmith@desertwindsmassagetherapy.com
).
Brochures and
Business Cards
The main ethical
concerns are that the
language and images
convey professionalism
(as described in the
section on Marketing
Materials). Before
choosing images for your
brochures or business
cards, have other people
look at them and tell
you what they think they
are. I've seen many
photos that I've had to
turn sideways or read
through several
paragraphs of
accompanying information
before I could figure
out what the photo was
depicting.
Web Site
In addition to the
cautions covered in the
above section regarding
professional images, you
need to be careful with
the links you include on
your site. Besides the
links no longer being
active, sometimes a link
that originally went to
one site, all of a
sudden takes you to a
totally different site.
This can be a purposeful
act of misdirection by
an outside source or I
suppose something just
went haywire (to use a
technical term). For
instance, there was a
legitimate massage
school that we had been
dealing with for years,
and one day while
looking up their site,
my staff noticed it
linked to a porn site.
We contacted the school
and they were horrified!
They fixed the problem,
but were left uneasy not
knowing how long it was
linking to that site.
So, in addition to
periodically checking
the links you list on
your site, make sure
that you check your own
internal links.
Telephone
Impression
Every time you answer
the telephone, you
create an impression.
The question remains
what that impression
will be. Within the
first few seconds of a
conversation you convey
how you feel about
yourself, your practice
and the caller. Just
because the caller can't
see you doesn't mean
that s/he can't sense
the attitudes you convey
through the tone of your
voice and the words you
use.
Develop a script for
how you answer your
phone so that you always
portray professionalism.
Avoid fumbling. During
an initial conversation
with a potential client,
you have an opportunity
to gather essential
information that can
save a lot of time and
trouble down the road.
Always ask about their
massage history, and
briefly describe your
protocol, the type of
benefits they can
expect, and a bit about
your education,
experience and/or
philosophy. Know how to
concisely describe what
you do and your policies
in a professional tone.
Handling
Inappropriate Calls
Receiving
inappropriate calls can
be a source of immense
discomfort.
Unfortunately, many
massage therapists still
get calls from people
who are ill-informed
about the nature and
scope of this work.
Sometimes people are
indirect about wanting
sexual services. You can
often determine
inappropriate callers by
their tone of voice,
awkward periods of
silence, calls placed
late at night and if
they request late-night
appointments (unless
it's a situation such as
you are providing
after-performance
massage for a dance
troupe). A common
tip-off for massage
therapists is when a
caller requests
"full-body massage" or
the direct request for a
"happy ending." Beware
of callers that are
reluctant to give their
full names or phone
numbers.
You have three main
options of how to
respond when someone
calls requesting sexual
services: you can get
upset and hang up the
phone; you can calmly
state that you do not
provide sexual services
and end the call; or you
can use it as an
opportunity to educate
the caller. Trust your
instinct as to which
option to choose, as it
might vary with each
caller.
If you receive this
type of call, it works
well to stay centered in
your professionalism. If
people want sexual
services, that's their
prerogative, but they
don't have the right to
expect it from you or
any other massage
therapist. Tell them
that isn't what you do,
give a brief description
of the services you do
provide, and let them
know that a legitimate
massage therapist does
not perform that kind of
work. This type of
statement usually
results in the caller
hanging up if they are
truly interested in
sexual services or
simply get their kicks
from making the
equivalent of prank
phone calls.
You might want to
develop an additional
script for how you
handle these inquiries,
thus avoiding any
misunderstandings or
unwanted clients
appearing at your
doorstep.
For instance, if you
feel that they might not
be a true sexual
predator, you could
suggest they visit your
Web site for more
information and then if
they want a non-sexual
massage they can call
back. This gives the
callers the opportunity
to learn more about
massage or gracefully
remove themselves from
the conversation. Who
knows--just because they
want something you don't
offer doesn't mean they
might not want a
legitimate massage in
the future or don't have
friends who want a
professional massage.
Remember, these are the
people we really need to
educate. They are the
ones perpetuating the
myths about massage and
the entire healing arts
field.
You can transform a
potentially negative
experience into a
positive one by
responding
professionally and
keeping perspective.
Still, you must put your
safety first. It's best
NOT to set up an
appointment with this
type of caller if you
are the only person in
your office or do
outcalls.
Closing
Thoughts
The information I
shared in this article
sets the foundation for
understanding the
concept of desexualizing
massage and steps you
can take to project a
non-sexual image in your
marketing materials and
telephone conversations.
Part two explores the
steps you can take to
create a safe space and
desexualize the massage
experience with clients.
This includes topics
such as personal
appearance, your office
location and ambience,
treatment interactions,
communications, and
documentation. In the
meantime, if you have
any questions or
comments please contact
me at
www.sohnen-moe.com.
12 Minutes To
Enlightenment
Most of us have tried
yoga at least once, and
many of us consider
ourselves yogis. But
there are a lot of
reasons to keep up your
yoga practice, as well
as expand it. If you
have a physical yoga
practice, but often
neglect a seated
meditation practice, now
is the time to start.
Meditation not only
calms the mind; recent
research shows that it
may also help
prevent memory loss.
If you have a hard time
getting started, we'd
love to suggest the
The Wisdom of the Breath
DVD from Sounds
True.
At home: A study by
the University of
California-San Diego,
the Alzheimer's
Prevention Foundation
International, and the
Amen Clinic of Newport
Beach, California, found
that Kirtan Kriya, a
simple twelve minute
Kundalini yoga
meditation,
increased oxygen
delivery, blood flow,
and energy in the brain,
while improving
neurotransmitter
(chemical messengers of
the brain that
communicate with the
body) function. Yoga has
been proven to be good
for your entire body as
well as your mind. Now
recent research shows
that yoga may also
help with fertility
issues. It's worth
practicing a downward
dog here and there we
would say!
At work: To
de-stress at your desk,
practice
this yoga-at-your-desk
sequence as a mini
retreat from the
mundane. Start by
sitting at the edge of
your chair with your
feet hip-width apart.
Close your eyes and take
a couple of deep
breaths, then begin the
practice.
Beware of EMFs
Researchers are still
debating the hot issue of
EMF radiation, or whether
the electro and magnetic
fields that surround
electrical devices increase
one's risk for cancer and
otherwise negatively affect
your health. They have
proven, however that EMF
exposure may
interfere with your brain's
electric activity during
sleep. So although the
jury may still be out, it's
hard not to think that EMF
exposure certainly can't be
good for you. Here are our
top tips for reducing and
helping eliminate EMF
exposure.
At home:
Instead of trying to "relax"
by watching TV or listening
to the radio, go to your
bedroom and unplug
everything, advises Mary
Cordaro, healthy home
environmental consultant.
"Instead of having all sorts
of gadgets around you,
you'll have real peace and
quiet. Relieve your body of
the stress of
electromagnetic fields (EMFs),
and read. Read and relax in
a true way so that the EMFs
aren't bombarding you." Not
only will you allow your
mind to rest in peace,
you'll allow your body to
rest as well.
At work:
If you work using a cell
phone, be sure to check out
the Environmental Working
Group's report on the
worst and best cell phones,
based on radiation and EMF
exposure.
At the spa:
If you're looking to
purchase an at-home sauna
(take the spa home!),
do your research to make
sure you're choosing one
that won't expose you to
additional EMFs. Sunlight
Sauna's traditional saunas
not only incorporate
far-infrared therapies, but
are plywood-free to
eliminate off-gassing and
feature steel conduit
shielding to protect against
electromagnetic fields.
Researchers are still
debating the hot issue of
EMF radiation, or whether
the electro and magnetic
fields that surround
electrical devices increase
one's risk for cancer and
otherwise negatively affect
your health. They have
proven, however that EMF
exposure may
